


Everything I ever wanted

by VanyKruemelPendragon



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Broken Hearts, Christmas is mentioned, Did I mention pining?, Friends to Lovers, Hope, I suck at tagging, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Pining, Realization, Remus coming out, Songfic, a lot of pining, boyslove, but not what you think, m/m - Freeform, most like a tale, no, relatonships with other people, they really pine hard, very less talking, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 16:20:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18814555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanyKruemelPendragon/pseuds/VanyKruemelPendragon
Summary: Remus can‘t take it anymore. All those year he was watching, his heart pounding. His one true love, his best friend, each week a new girl. So of course he takes the one opportunity to become happy with the guy who loves him. If there weren‘t those damn feelings – or a suddenly way to jumpy Sirius.





	Everything I ever wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo....  
> This one is hanging around on my computer since a while now. I listened to the song and wrote it and then, forgot about it. Just found it. Not perfect but tell me what you think?

 

Title: Everything I ever wanted [Songfic]  
  
Summary: Remus can‘t take it anymore. All those year he was watching, his heart pounding. His one true love, his best friend, each week a new girl. So of course he takes the one opportunity to become happy with the guy who loves him. If there weren‘t those damn feelings – or a suddenly way to jumpy Sirius.  
  
Rating: P12 Slash  
  
Pairing: Sirius/Remus // Wolfstar; Remus/OC  
  
Warnings: boyslove, jealousy, they are dorks  
  
Genre: Friendship, Romance  
  
Disclaimer: The characters belong to JK Rowling as does the magical world. The song is from Jason Chen. Mine is what I did with the song and the situations. Also mine is Matthew Gordon. But I don‘t own any of the pictures! Please check the artists out, they are great!

 

How I imagine Sirius: by HitoFanart on DeviantArt

 

 

How I imagine Remus:

Matthew Gordon (I didn‘t find any better): by Whisperwings on DeviantArt

http://img15.deviantart.net/9442/i/2013/235/c/7/the_hufflepuff_twins_by_whisperwings-d6jcdyq.jpg (in case it's not visible)

  
  
Song: [Best friend - Jason Chen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1F_8kp7l3_Y)  
  
**~*~*~ Everything I ever wanted ~*~*~**

 _Do you remember when I said I'd always be there?_  
_Ever since we were ten, baby._  
_When we were out on the playground playing pretend_  
_I didn't know it back then._

When he first laid eyes on the charming boy, wide grin splitting his face as he ran a hand through his long black hair, Remus felt his heart sting. Not thinking further about it, he sat down with him and some other boy, messy black hair and glasses.

Sirius and James, as he learned later, were two pureblood wizards to whose their blood didn‘t matter at all. Their other friend, Peter, came later after following them around. James just asked him something, one day and from that second he was the fourth in their circle.

Sighing Remus let all those years play over and over in his head, a sad smile on his lips. He was in fifth year, newly chosen prefect of Gryffindor and still… Something seemed odd with how he felt. It wasn‘t until his first patroling with Lily when he realised like a hammer hit his head.

„ _You could think you‘ve realized by now, Rem. I don‘t get it why he‘s like this. Or why he doesn‘t care you love him. Some arsehole friend he is...“_

He stopped in his tracks, confused. His face showing complete and utter shock.

And now her words trailed in his mind, making him go crazy. He was in love with him. He was in love with Sirius Black, his best friend, the boy who was always there for him. And with that realization came acceptance – and fear. He could never tell him the truth, never. He could just hide it and stay the same old self like he was before, not a problem at all.

 

_Now I realize you were the only one_   
_It's never too late to show it._   
_Grow old together_   
_Have feelings we had before_   
_Back when we were so innocent._

 

Until it was. His thoughts wandered off more often, made his chest hurt, his heart sting. His stomach flutter. With each laugh, each wink, each secret smile when he left his arrogant mask behind, Remus fell in love even more. And the more you fall, the more it hurts.

It was nearly Christmas. Another girl sneaked out of their dorm in the evening, ruffled clothes, swollen lips. Not caring about the werewolf reading by the fire. Her giggles with her friends the next morning were sickening. How she threw sultry looks to his best friend. And how him, _that douchebag_ , winked at her while eating his jam with way more tongue than neccessary.

It was that smile, that calm behaviour over something like that, over having another girl with each week in Hogwarts which passed, somtimes two or three. And never looking at them again. It was the reason for Remus to feel sick with every new girl.

And then Sirius broke with this manner, staying with her. Said she‘s way too good in bed to let her go yet. Stayed with the damn blonde Ravenclaw with her gorgeous body, kissing all over the castle whenever they could. Using the secret passages for little fun-sessions between the classes.

But what really made his blood boil was how insensitive he still talked about the girl, about feelings. How he teased Prongs whenever Lily walked by. How he teased Wormy when he had a serious relationship, making him insecure all over again and leading to their break-up. How he wasn‘t able to truly feel… Love.

Occasionally his heart broke a little bit with every harsh word that left those beautiful lips, making him dream of his best friend in some really inappropriate ways before crying himself to sleep.

Because there was one thing Remus wanted most for his christmas, something he would never get. Sirius. His body, his kisses, his touches. His love. And with every small smile that seemed to be reserved for him he had to violently crush his own hope all over again. Because it was a dream, a dream never coming true.

 

 _I pray for all your love_  
_[girl] boy our love is so unreal_  
 _I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you, somebody pinch me._  
 _(I must be dreamin')_  
 _This is something like a movie_  
 _And I don't know how it ends [girl] boy_

 

So of course he was surprised when that sweet shy Hufflepuff came to him. Matthew, he introduced himself. He was one of the Gordon-twins, one year above him and his friends. He approached him, smiling, hands in his pockets, eyes fluttering shut when he ran a hand through his short black hair. He was nothing like Sirius and in other aspects remembered him so much of him.

They started dating. It didn‘t need that many words, they were in sync. When Matthew told him the first time that he loved him, Remus bit his lip and nodded, apologized. And Matthew understand, that great guy. He just laid his hand on the shoulders of the younger wizard and said he knew the truth. That he would be there to talk about it and maybe someday, Remus would grow to love him too.

Talking was great. Of course there were the girls, he could always speak with Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary. But this guy understood the unrequited love for another bloke. He was in love with Remus after all. It was easy to let himself believe, some day there would be happiness in his life. It was easy to laugh with Matthew, it was easy to smile. Easy to pretend some nights he was with his best friend. Easy to let his heart heal, at least a little bit.

 

_But I fell in love with my best friend_   
_(I think I'm in love)_   
_(I think I'm in love)_   
_(I think I'm in love)_   
_(I think I'm in love)_   
_(I think I'm in love)_

_I fell in love with my best friend_   
_(I think I'm in love)_   
_(I think I'm in love)_   
_(I think I'm in love)_   
_(I think I'm in love)_

_(I think I'm in love)_   
_I fell in love with my best friend._

 

Sirius noticed the difference first when Christmas was over and the new classes started. James told him he was seeing ghosts but something was different. Moony was in the library more often, he sneaked out at night, came to his dorm later than usual. He switched body contact with Sirius, something he never did before. Their friendship was based on trust, on giving up everything for each other if neccessary. And secrets weren‘t what you could call trustworthy. And even though Sirius was always there for his friend, now the curiosity won. He sneaked out after him, taking James‘ cloak with him.

To say his whole world shattered may have been the right term for what he felt, seeing Remus pressed to another guy in a secret passage, making out, moans leaving his throat. Not what Sirius would call it though.

It was a shock, that much was sure. But why his heart stinged in that moment and he froze not able to breathe properly? It needed a sickly-in-love James to realize.

  
_Through all the_ _[_ _dudes_ _] girls_ _that came by  
__[_ _And_ _] There were_ _all the nights that you cried.  
__[_ _Girl_ _] Boy_ _, I was there right by your side._

 

Of course. He was always there, always the best friend of Remus. Now he seemed to have a life on his own. That‘s what he told himself, deep in his thoughts at night.

James came over, wanted to talk about Lily, _again_. But the more he rambled the less Sirius found himself groaning, the more he listened.

Fluttering in his chest? Heartache whenever she was with somebody else? Missing her touch, even if only in his dreams? Doing anything for her? Ready to screw his own reputation if it would mean making her smile?

It hurt. The realization that he missed the soft smile of his best friend, directed to him. But also the fluttering whenever Remus was happy, talking to the boy. Not that he watched them more often. The glow he use to have after sneaking out, the calm attitude.

Remus was happy with the guy, Matthew as he learned. A short fling with his sister told him everything he needed to know.

And Remus seemed to notice the change, introducing his boyfriend to his three best friends on his birthday, not looking Sirius in the eye as he did so. Taking his hand, blowing a soft kiss to their knuckles. The sweet smile.

He couldn‘t. It was when the animagus understood what Prongs talked about. Not wanting to destroy their happiness because they just meant to much. Because their smile was all that mattered not to whom it was directed. It was about swallowing the jealousy, smiling, trying to be happy. And it meant crying yourself to sleep with the heart aching.

 

_How could I tell you I loved you  
When you were so happy_

_With some other guy?  
Now I realize you were the only one_

 

In Sirius‘ case it also meant soothing his broken heart with girls. Lots of them. If one stayed more than one night it was much. It meant silently breaking.

Lily was the person who slapped some sense into him when he started taking some distance. Like a fury she came to him, shouted how much he hurt his best friend with this.

Only after he murmured his words of love to her, talking sweet nothings about his best friend, her gaze softened. If Remus could behave normally all those years Sirius could too. It left him thinking hard what her words meant, if it was possible that his friend…

Hope. That was what filled his heart, made him wanting to jump in joy.

The next time he saw the brown-haired with the Hufflepuff, it died again. Even if Remus used to have feelings for him, even if he still did… He was in a happy relationship. And as arrogant the mask of one Sirius Black may seem, insecurities made their way into his mind quite easily. The werewolf was strong, handsome, sweet, nice and everything he could imagine being perfect. Someone like him would never leave the nice boyfriend of his for an arsehole like he himself used to be one.  
If you‘re ready to lay your world beneath the feet of the love of your life, of the one guy who was always different from all the other friends, you have to be ready to loose everything. It was something Sirius wasn‘t ready for – yet.

 

 _It's never too late to show it._  
_Grow old together_  
 _Have feelings we had before_  
 _When we were so innocent._  
 _I pray for all your love_  
 _[Girl] Boy our love is so unreal_  
 _I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you, somebody pinch me._  
 _(I must be dreamin')_  
 _This is something like a movie_  
 _And I don't know how it ends [girl] boy_  
 _but I fell in love with my best friend._

 

He tried. All he could do was trying to stay calm, trying not to flinch, not to run away. Realization came fast, how strong his best friend really was. Having this torture over three years, having Sirius sleeping with so many girls in Hogwarts… Noticing every one.

So deep in his thoughts he didn‘t really pay attention to everyone around him. Which is why he was kind of forced to come back to the reality with the weight of his brother-in-everything-but blood, James Potter. Who threw himself into his lap. Grinning like an idiot.

He said he had the perfect idea to help Sirius. Not that he doubted it but… Well, he highly doubted it actually. James‘ ideas were quite something. And he swore, if there would be any word about confetti or floading hearts he would shove him to the ground.

Which is what he did after five minutes, rolling his eyes, sighing. Telling him it wouldn‘t change anything. Remus would never break up with his boyfriend and he didn‘t want him to either. He was happy. The risk of ruining that or, more important, their friendship, was too huge to take. He would choose being near him as a friend who missed his chance over telling him and loosing his best friend every time. That never being able to see him laugh or smile again was way worse than just being a friend. That he would prefer crying himself to sleep the rest of his life rather than having a life without his best friend in it. The good times, the fun, the smile of his friend, the nights in the forest. All those things were the only reason he stayed sane with the whole family issues. And even if James and Peter were important,they weren‘t… Moony. Because they never meant enough to him, because it would hurt to live without them but he could manage. Without Moony he wouldn‘t. It wouldn‘t hurt, it would crush his heart, press the air from his lungs, break him down. Loosing Moony wasn‘t an option.

Shaking his head, removing his tears, he sighed and left the corner of the common room, walking up to his dorm, leaving James dumbstruck.

  
_I know it sounds crazy  
That you'd be my baby._  
 _[Girl] Boy you mean that much to me._  
 _And nothing compares when_  
 _We're lighter than air and_  
 _We don't wanna come back down._  
 _And I don't wanna ruin what we have_  
 _Love is so unpredictable._  
 _But it's the risk that I'm taking_  
 _Hoping, praying_  
 _You'd fall in love with your best friend._

 

He heard it. Every word. And with every word his heart swelled with hope even more. What could he do, other than running to the kitchens and breaking up with Matthew? Telling him good bye, saying sorry and thanks?

And maybe the sensitive werewolf didn‘t care for the feelings of the other boy for once, because everything in his mind was Sirius.

The words said from the Hufflepuff didn‘t matter, made his head buzz because he didn‘t really hear them. Of course it wasn‘t the right thing to do, breaking up with such a sweet guy after months, leaving him with a broken heart, but Matthew was warned. He knew everything would be different if Sirius would ever…

More than an excuse didn‘t leave his lips, a peck to the cheek beofre he ran off, his face split by a wide grin. Sirius loved him. And wanted him to be happy.

In top speed he reached the dorm, stopping infront of the door. But something… Slowly would be best. He was hurt for years. Careful. His heart couldn‘t take another breaking.

Hope made him open the door after a few minutes. Hope that all his prayers were heard, that this would be like one of those silly novels he read with Lily.

  
_I pray for all your love  
__[_ _Girl_ _]_ _our love is so unreal  
I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you, somebody pinch me.  
(I must be dreamin')  
This is something like a movie  
And I don't know how it ends __[_ _girl_ _] boy_  
_but I fell in love with my best friend._

He wanted everyone to go away, told his brother to piss off. Ripped open the curtains to shout at James – with words stuck in his throat, seeing who it was, right there before him.

Calm, with his slight smile, nervous hands running through brown hair.

Talking would be a great idea. Talking was safe. Talking was nice. Talking kept him from going down on his best friend. Talking kept the line of friends intact.

Remus looked at his friend, swallowing hard. So he talked. Slowly, saying what he heard him say. Careful about the suggestions. He saw his best friend pale, stopped him from lashing out.

Sirius wanted to run away, as soon as he heard the words. As soon as his heart crushed, mourning their friendship which would now end, for sure. An apology was in order, maybe fixing something, at least. And if there wasn‘t this damn, sweet, nice smile with those full kissable lips… Focus.

„Idiot“, Remus sighed and walked towards the love of his life, hugging him closely.

The arms closed around him but with hestation. As if he couldn‘t believe it. The meaning of it made the heart of the werewolf beat faster, made him react like his body wanted him to, stroking the cheek tenderly, wiping away the silent tears.

  
_I fell in love with my best friend_  
_I remember when I said I'd always be there_  
 _Ever since we were ten, baby._

 

It was sweet and perfect. Their lips met, making them both shudder with anticipation and lust. But for now, this innocent kiss was everything they needed. Eyes fluttering open as they closed, hazel ones looking into grey ones, storm in both of them.

„It‘s quite a shame, isn‘t it?“, Sirius asked, voice hoarse. „That I fell in love with my best friend and only realized it so many years later, so much wasted time...“

Instead of an answer Remus pressed himself close to his best friend – _boyfriend?_ \- breathing his scent in, memorizing everything even more.

„I love you so fucking much...“, he sighed, words not more than a whisper into the ear of the older guy.

Maybe falling in love with their best friend was both the best and worst thing ever happening to the boys. Because with the love of your life, every streak of pain is worth it.


End file.
